Communication Between Honne (an ulterior motive) and Tatemae (principles)

Previously, we explored “communication between honest people and liars” In that discussion, we examined communicators who were either honest or deceitful. Though I didn’t explain it in detail at the time, the assumption was that when these individuals were on the receiving end of communication, they would behave consistently with their character.

In other words, not only as speakers but also as listeners, honest individuals would accept what others say as truthful, while liars would interpret others’ words as lies. Therefore, communication taken at face value would only succeed along the honest-to-honest axis.

This point also happens to be a sufficient condition for the functioning of a market (exchange-based) economy. After all, if consumers at convenience stores constantly wondered whether the meat bun they were about to buy might be poisoned, no market economy could ever function. The very existence of a relatively stable market economy implies that buyers generally trust sellers.

※This article is an English version of the following article dated July 20, 2007.（Translated by ChatGPT）
ホンネとタテマエのコミュニケーション／ Communication between Honne (an ulterior motive) and Tatemae (principles): 本に溺れたい

Now let us consider communication between honne and tatemae speakers.

To clarify: a honne speaker speaks sincerely from the heart and, as a listener, interprets the other’s words as equally sincere. A tatemae speaker, on the other hand, only speaks in terms of social pretense—never from the heart—and similarly, only interprets others’ words as tatemae, never as sincere.

Let’s construct a matrix again based on these roles.

	to honne listeners	to tatemae listeners
From honne speakers	good	N.G.
From  tatemae speakers	N.G.	good

Surprisingly, this setup yields a 50% chance of successful communication.

This is because communication from a tatemae speaker to a tatemae listener results in mutual understanding that what is being exchanged is mere social convention—thus avoiding major misunderstandings.

In contrast to the honest-liar communication model, where mutual honesty is required to prevent failure, the honne–tatemae model suggests that as long as both sides adopt tatemae, communication can actually proceed relatively smoothly.

No wonder communication tends to break down more often between parents and children than between complete strangers (i.e., adults). Why is that? Because when adults speak to each other, they anticipate and tolerate tatemae speech. Hence, conflicts rarely arise—or at least do not surface. But when those same adults use their external-facing tatemae language with their children, problems often occur.

That’s because most children have not yet developed a dual-norm framework to distinguish between honne and tatemae. As a result, they interpret their parents’ tatemae speech as honne listeners would: sincerely and literally. Consequently, they take their parents’ words at face value and act accordingly—leading to frustration in the parents and feelings of betrayal (or deception) in the child.

In this way, children may become confused about whether to trust their parents’ tatemae words or their honne behaviors. In extreme cases, this confusion can emotionally paralyze them.

Thus, we arrive at a rather stark picture: a society where all adults are tatemae speakers may function outwardly, but inside the home, communication failure becomes rampant. It is, in a sense, a "desolate" landscape indeed.